Lonely vs Alone

People may not realise it, but feeling lonely and feeling alone are two very different things.  Feeling lonely is when you feel like you don't have people around you/friends, or you don't have a social life - lacking.  Feeling alone is when you feel like you're the only person in the world - on your own.  For most people, being on their own is a god send; it gives them a chance to do things that they couldn't do before or just some peace and quiet.

I felt very alone this time last year (Mar/Apr 2012).  I was having a major flare-up of my arthritis and it felt like the world was going on without me.  I didn't feel lonely because I always had my family or friends to chat to.  Okay, there is a big difference when you live 200 miles away from everyone, but Skype makes things a bit easier.  Anyway, when you have a chronic illness like arthritis (I didn't have Crohn's at the time) and all your friends are all healthy, you start to feel like you're the only one who has something wrong with them.  My friends don't understand that I can't walk for very long, and I don't think they'll ever understand.  My boyfriend and best friend have even said that they can't empathise because they have never felt what I feel.  I ended up having to have counselling because I just felt so down and alone.

It's silly really what you end up feeling.  I'm sure that people who don't have chronic illnesses feel similarly occasionally,  but when you don't know anyone else who goes through you do and who knows what you are going on about, it really does feel like you are the only one in the world with the problem.

Wednesday Wonderings: Manic Drivers

Every Tuesday is pretty much the same for me after work:

• I get a lift home from work
• I do my weekly shopping
• I get a battered sausage and chips from the local chippy (the owners know me pretty well now :) )
• I walk back to mine, enjoy my dinner then race to belly dancing

I recently started learning how to drive.  I know, I'm a bit late but I've always been a bit worried that my arthritis would stop me.  I've always been wary of other people on the road, as a passenger, driver or pedestrian.  But when you cross the road on a zebra crossing, you (as a pedestrian) have right of way.  Everybody knows that.  But this maniac nearly ran me over while I was half way across the road.  They swerved round me, thankfully, or else I'd probably be in hospital now instead of writing this post.

There are so many dangerous drivers out there.  Two of my dad's colleagues, about 5 years ago, got run over on a zebra crossing, a hit and run job.  They both needed time off and one ended up in hospital with a broken hip.  People need to remember their highway code.

Something I've noticed while driving is that people drive way too close to other cars.  My first time on a dual-carriage way, someone decided it would be a good idea to drive so close I couldn't even see their headlights.  I really felt like braking and teaching them a lesson, but it wasn't my car and my driving instructor would probably have gotten in trouble for it.  When my dad drove me back to Loughborough on Sunday, people on the motorway really annoyed me.  There'd be plenty of room between two cars, or just about enough room for braking, and then a 'clever' car would nip into that space.  Does that driver not realise that he's not only taken away the person behind's braking time-space, but also he's not got one either?  If the car in front brakes or slows down dramatically, he's just cost probably not only his life/car, but the person behind him too.

I love how I've only just started driving, but I already have passive-aggressive road rage :)

Medical Support

I've been with my gastroenterologist since I was diagnosed back in October. When I was first referred to him, he was brilliant. I had my colonoscopy quickly (unlike someone else I know who is currently on a waiting list, I had mine within a week of my first appointment). I had great faith in my doctor. The third time I saw him, back in December, things went a bit downhill. Most gastro docs don't like surgery; they see it as a last resort. Now, knowing that I have a mild case of crohn's disease and what I would call a manageable amount of pain, he was considering surgery. I'm still in my early twenties and only diagnosed two months beforehand. I didn't have the greatest faith in him after that visit. The last time I saw him was back in February (I see him every 6 weeks). Bearing in mind that I see him privately, have to catch a train from loughborough to Essex to see him and have a day off work, when he was over 30 minutes late and only saw me for 5 minutes telling me he couldn't do anything because he didn't have my latest blood test results (which is a lie because my healthcare assistant faxes them to his secretary) I lost all faith in him and I now feel like I am in this on my own. Don't get me wrong, I have my family to support me, but having someone who knows what they're doing and has knowledge in the area in which is causing you pain is a great gift and weight off your mind. I feel incredibly let down. Keeping in mind the fact that I see him privately, I'm meant to see him again next week, but he cancelled in the last minute and I can't see him now for another 3 weeks. So that's a train fare and day of work wasted.

Updates

I got some bad news on Friday.  My best friend from secondary school died :(
We hadn't talked to each other since she had a go at me and called me some pretty nasty names at the end of college (just the thing you want before you head to university [/sarcasm]), but it still hit pretty hard.  She was diagnosed with Crohn's about a year before I was.  I don't know why she died, but apparently she had been in a lot of pain recently, so it could have been anything.  She just didn't wake up that morning.
My boyfriend travelled up to me the next day (3 hour drive) even though he was going to spend the weekend with his mum with it being Mother's day and all.We spent the weekend together, and he even took Monday off to look after me.  He was going to leave Monday night, but then the snow arrived.  He was snowed in.  So he had Tuesday off too.  It wasn't a lot of snow, but with it being a 3 hour drive when the roads are clear, he didn't want to risk anything.  Plus it took a colleague of his 3 hours to get from the office to his home, which is usually only a 20 minute drive down a motorway.

On a slightly different note, I haven't done any training this week for my 10km with my dad in May.  I just haven't felt up to it.  I think I'm having a Crohn's flare, which is not good for my training or work.  However, I have done a lot in the past few weeks (approximately 82km since January) so I think I'm allowed a week off.  The furthest I have walked so far is only 5km, but I'm getting there.

Wednesday Wonderings: Badgers

My sister is an animal scientist, therefore I trust her a lot when it comes to animals. In the past six months, badger culls have been constantly thrown back and forth as to whether they would be effective in reducing bovine TB. Badgers only make up a small population of mammals that can carry the infection (pop. ~288,000) whereas there is a large population of deer (pop. unknown) and cats (feral and wild pop. 8.5m) that can carry bovine TB and come in to contact with the cows.

Culling badgers is not the answer, and neither is vaccinating them. Sort out the deer and cats, then start looking at badgers. The poor badgers are a protected species under The Badger Act of 1992. Badgers may not be the cutest (in some people's eyes) or the nicest animal, but they are a national animal. What do MPs have against badgers?

References: BBC, Bovine TB Forum, Binfield Badger Group

Wednesday Wonderings: Processed Food

There has been a lot in the press recently about horse meat being in food that's meant to contain beef.  I follow Daniel Hardcastle on Twitter, and he tweeted something rather funny about it:

You know, the way this horse meat thing is going I bet we find out that cows don't actually exist.
— Daniel Hardcastle (@DanNerdCubed) February 18, 2013

But the horse meat fiasco got me thinking, along with my two of my trigger foods being dairy and tomatoes, I can't actually eat many processed meals anymore (and I don't eat beef anyway). I used to eat lasagne, carbonara, pizza, all things you can just chuck in the microwave or oven for a couple of minutes. I'm really quite glad though because now I know exactly what is going in to my meals, and I have complete control over all of it. The only things I really miss are spinach and ricotta cannelloni and ravioli.
Plus, this is probably a lot healthier too.

Chocolate

I am a huge chocoholic, but when I found out that dairy is one of my trigger foods for my Crohn's I was very upset.  I tried life without chocolate, but I just couldn't live without it.
One weekend, when my boyfriend visited me, we went to Nottingham and enjoyed an afternoon there. We had lunch in a nice little tea house tucked away in the city centre, and on the way back to the car we nipped in to Hotel Chocolat. They were having a 3 for 2 on their Selections, so we bought some dark chocolate ones for me, and he had a white chocolate one.  I have to say, they are the best dark chocolate I have ever had (70%). I have never been a fan of dark chocolate, but Hotel Chocolat has changed my views on it. I particularly like the chocolate covered hazelnuts.
I would definitely recommend their chocolate to anyone who loves milk chocolate, but has found that they can't have it anymore.  Try a bit of everything, you'd be surprised at what you like and don't like.