I just got in from having a two-odd hour chat with a very old friend of mine. Yes, it is past 4 in the morning, but I haven't seen him in ages and we needed to catch up.
He talked about all sorts of things that have happened to him recently, then asks about me.
So what have you been up to recently?
Umm... Nothing really. Looking back over my last couple of weeks, it been pretty shame-ish. Boring. I work 8-4, then when I get in I cook the same old thing then watch some catch-up tv online and play some video games. When I told him my life was pretty boring, he said that I was more interesting than the people who wait for the weekend so they can go clubbing and not wonder about the world. And by that I mean have an opinion and such. He then went on to ask me about the edge of space, to which I answered that there probably is no 'edge' to space or the universe, and the fact that we, as humans, try to compartmentalise the universe is wrong because not everything has to have an edge or be contained. Our human minds can't fathom the vast size of things and the potential nothingness that comes with the universe. If the universe is contained, what is it contained in? What is around it? But that's a whole other can of beans.
Nothing all that interesting has happened to me recently, and I can't talk to people about my job because they just wouldn't get it. I'm a software developer, and telling you how and why I fixed something is not interesting. It a job. I also haven't been to belly dancing recently because of my stupid crohn's flare up, nor have I been training for my 10km in May. I suppose I could have told him about that.
We talked about so much, but he did most of the talking. I just have nothing really all that interesting to talk about. Who would want to hear about my life?
Saturday 23 March 2013
Friday 22 March 2013
Lonely vs Alone
People may not realise it, but feeling lonely and feeling alone are two very different things. Feeling lonely is when you feel like you don't have people around you/friends, or you don't have a social life - lacking. Feeling alone is when you feel like you're the only person in the world - on your own. For most people, being on their own is a god send; it gives them a chance to do things that they couldn't do before or just some peace and quiet.
I felt very alone this time last year (Mar/Apr 2012). I was having a major flare-up of my arthritis and it felt like the world was going on without me. I didn't feel lonely because I always had my family or friends to chat to. Okay, there is a big difference when you live 200 miles away from everyone, but Skype makes things a bit easier. Anyway, when you have a chronic illness like arthritis (I didn't have Crohn's at the time) and all your friends are all healthy, you start to feel like you're the only one who has something wrong with them. My friends don't understand that I can't walk for very long, and I don't think they'll ever understand. My boyfriend and best friend have even said that they can't empathise because they have never felt what I feel. I ended up having to have counselling because I just felt so down and alone.
It's silly really what you end up feeling. I'm sure that people who don't have chronic illnesses feel similarly occasionally, but when you don't know anyone else who goes through you do and who knows what you are going on about, it really does feel like you are the only one in the world with the problem.
I felt very alone this time last year (Mar/Apr 2012). I was having a major flare-up of my arthritis and it felt like the world was going on without me. I didn't feel lonely because I always had my family or friends to chat to. Okay, there is a big difference when you live 200 miles away from everyone, but Skype makes things a bit easier. Anyway, when you have a chronic illness like arthritis (I didn't have Crohn's at the time) and all your friends are all healthy, you start to feel like you're the only one who has something wrong with them. My friends don't understand that I can't walk for very long, and I don't think they'll ever understand. My boyfriend and best friend have even said that they can't empathise because they have never felt what I feel. I ended up having to have counselling because I just felt so down and alone.
It's silly really what you end up feeling. I'm sure that people who don't have chronic illnesses feel similarly occasionally, but when you don't know anyone else who goes through you do and who knows what you are going on about, it really does feel like you are the only one in the world with the problem.
Wednesday 20 March 2013
Wednesday Wonderings: Manic Drivers
Every Tuesday is pretty much the same for me after work:
- I get a lift home from work
- I do my weekly shopping
- I get a battered sausage and chips from the local chippy (the owners know me pretty well now :) )
- I walk back to mine, enjoy my dinner then race to belly dancing
I recently started learning how to drive. I know, I'm a bit late but I've always been a bit worried that my arthritis would stop me. I've always been wary of other people on the road, as a passenger, driver or pedestrian. But when you cross the road on a zebra crossing, you (as a pedestrian) have right of way. Everybody knows that. But this maniac nearly ran me over while I was half way across the road. They swerved round me, thankfully, or else I'd probably be in hospital now instead of writing this post.
There are so many dangerous drivers out there. Two of my dad's colleagues, about 5 years ago, got run over on a zebra crossing, a hit and run job. They both needed time off and one ended up in hospital with a broken hip. People need to remember their highway code.
Something I've noticed while driving is that people drive way too close to other cars. My first time on a dual-carriage way, someone decided it would be a good idea to drive so close I couldn't even see their headlights. I really felt like braking and teaching them a lesson, but it wasn't my car and my driving instructor would probably have gotten in trouble for it. When my dad drove me back to Loughborough on Sunday, people on the motorway really annoyed me. There'd be plenty of room between two cars, or just about enough room for braking, and then a 'clever' car would nip into that space. Does that driver not realise that he's not only taken away the person behind's braking time-space, but also he's not got one either? If the car in front brakes or slows down dramatically, he's just cost probably not only his life/car, but the person behind him too.
I love how I've only just started driving, but I already have passive-aggressive road rage :)
There are so many dangerous drivers out there. Two of my dad's colleagues, about 5 years ago, got run over on a zebra crossing, a hit and run job. They both needed time off and one ended up in hospital with a broken hip. People need to remember their highway code.
Something I've noticed while driving is that people drive way too close to other cars. My first time on a dual-carriage way, someone decided it would be a good idea to drive so close I couldn't even see their headlights. I really felt like braking and teaching them a lesson, but it wasn't my car and my driving instructor would probably have gotten in trouble for it. When my dad drove me back to Loughborough on Sunday, people on the motorway really annoyed me. There'd be plenty of room between two cars, or just about enough room for braking, and then a 'clever' car would nip into that space. Does that driver not realise that he's not only taken away the person behind's braking time-space, but also he's not got one either? If the car in front brakes or slows down dramatically, he's just cost probably not only his life/car, but the person behind him too.
I love how I've only just started driving, but I already have passive-aggressive road rage :)
Sunday 17 March 2013
Medical Support
I've been with my gastroenterologist since I was diagnosed back in October. When I was first referred to him, he was brilliant. I had my colonoscopy quickly (unlike someone else I know who is currently on a waiting list, I had mine within a week of my first appointment). I had great faith in my doctor. The third time I saw him, back in December, things went a bit downhill. Most gastro docs don't like surgery; they see it as a last resort. Now, knowing that I have a mild case of crohn's disease and what I would call a manageable amount of pain, he was considering surgery. I'm still in my early twenties and only diagnosed two months beforehand. I didn't have the greatest faith in him after that visit. The last time I saw him was back in February (I see him every 6 weeks). Bearing in mind that I see him privately, have to catch a train from loughborough to Essex to see him and have a day off work, when he was over 30 minutes late and only saw me for 5 minutes telling me he couldn't do anything because he didn't have my latest blood test results (which is a lie because my healthcare assistant faxes them to his secretary) I lost all faith in him and I now feel like I am in this on my own. Don't get me wrong, I have my family to support me, but having someone who knows what they're doing and has knowledge in the area in which is causing you pain is a great gift and weight off your mind. I feel incredibly let down. Keeping in mind the fact that I see him privately, I'm meant to see him again next week, but he cancelled in the last minute and I can't see him now for another 3 weeks. So that's a train fare and day of work wasted.
Tuesday 12 March 2013
Updates
I got some bad news on Friday. My best friend from secondary school died :(
We hadn't talked to each other since she had a go at me and called me some pretty nasty names at the end of college (just the thing you want before you head to university [/sarcasm]), but it still hit pretty hard. She was diagnosed with Crohn's about a year before I was. I don't know why she died, but apparently she had been in a lot of pain recently, so it could have been anything. She just didn't wake up that morning.
My boyfriend travelled up to me the next day (3 hour drive) even though he was going to spend the weekend with his mum with it being Mother's day and all.We spent the weekend together, and he even took Monday off to look after me. He was going to leave Monday night, but then the snow arrived. He was snowed in. So he had Tuesday off too. It wasn't a lot of snow, but with it being a 3 hour drive when the roads are clear, he didn't want to risk anything. Plus it took a colleague of his 3 hours to get from the office to his home, which is usually only a 20 minute drive down a motorway.
On a slightly different note, I haven't done any training this week for my 10km with my dad in May. I just haven't felt up to it. I think I'm having a Crohn's flare, which is not good for my training or work. However, I have done a lot in the past few weeks (approximately 82km since January) so I think I'm allowed a week off. The furthest I have walked so far is only 5km, but I'm getting there.
We hadn't talked to each other since she had a go at me and called me some pretty nasty names at the end of college (just the thing you want before you head to university [/sarcasm]), but it still hit pretty hard. She was diagnosed with Crohn's about a year before I was. I don't know why she died, but apparently she had been in a lot of pain recently, so it could have been anything. She just didn't wake up that morning.
My boyfriend travelled up to me the next day (3 hour drive) even though he was going to spend the weekend with his mum with it being Mother's day and all.We spent the weekend together, and he even took Monday off to look after me. He was going to leave Monday night, but then the snow arrived. He was snowed in. So he had Tuesday off too. It wasn't a lot of snow, but with it being a 3 hour drive when the roads are clear, he didn't want to risk anything. Plus it took a colleague of his 3 hours to get from the office to his home, which is usually only a 20 minute drive down a motorway.
On a slightly different note, I haven't done any training this week for my 10km with my dad in May. I just haven't felt up to it. I think I'm having a Crohn's flare, which is not good for my training or work. However, I have done a lot in the past few weeks (approximately 82km since January) so I think I'm allowed a week off. The furthest I have walked so far is only 5km, but I'm getting there.
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